Why I Never Wanted To Be A Feminist

I was always one to deny the term, "feminism" in relation to myself.
While I considered myself to be educated advocate for equality, I wanted to separate myself from "feminists" because in my mind and in the mind of popular culture, the label referred to radical extremists who took things personally, discounted the oppression of POC and treated men as if they were evil animals. However, now that I look back I think that while that reasoning was a part of it, an equal if not bigger part of my rejection was the deeply rooted distrust I had of women as a whole.

I was always threatened by other women, and I still feel that way. Not necessarily in the normal ways (their looks or success, though I think EVERYONE has those insecurities) but because I was, like many girls, the target for cattiness and teasing from other girls and felt generally more at home with guys as a result. This turned into my joining the "girls are stupid" mentality of 10 year old boys and though I have long since stopped wearing boys' shoes, playing wall ball, seeing men as solely platonic and sneering at the girls who all went to the bathroom together (that's a lie, I still don't get the group peeing phenomenon) I think that part of my detestation of the idea I had of feminists was largely influenced by my residual disdain for females in general. Admittedly, I am probably still more quick to judge and shorter in patience with women.

However, when I started to get really in depth in my self education and advocacy of anti-racism, I started thinking more broadly about the nature of oppression in general. And, ironically, it was really in the study of the oppressive idea of masculinity that I started finding my feminism. It was a weird (and somewhat sad) twist that it was the male feminists I listened to and spoke with that changed my ideas about who really made up the feminist population. Though I still refer to my beliefs in terms of equality in general and find an upsetting amount of white identifying as feminists insensitive to POC and specifically WOC, I no longer take issue with recognizing that my beliefs are, in general, feminist. Or at least, I'm more comfortable inhabiting my womanhood. I wouldn't be offended or think twice about being called anti-racist or an ally to the LGBTQIA community so why should it make me feel indignant when people call my beliefs feminist? I want equality and to fight against oppression for myself, other women, people of color, the LGBTQIA community, the disabled, and anyone else who is trying to live a full life in the face of a dominant culture that pushes their concerns aside. I'll never be ashamed of that.