Why This Graphic Is Bullcocky (& Implications of Girl-Hate)

Let’s dismantle this, shall we?

1) The fact that your best friend identifies as a man does NOT mean they are obligated to give up their clothing (Why didn’t YOU bring a jacket? Did you ever think…I don’t know..they might be cold as well?). A person’s gender does not make it their responsibility to stick up for you or carry you or give you things; BEING A GOOD FRIEND is what makes them WANT to do those things.

2) You CANNOT “steal” someone’s partner. The person in the relationship has to leave of their own volition, which means either the relationship is on the out to begin with or the person in the relationship is not worth a damn if they can’t reject outside interests and you’re better off. If someone goes after a person you are interested in in order to hurt you, they are a SHITTY FRIEND and this is true no matter gender. That’s WITHOUT the fact that this list is ridiculously heteronormative.

3) This operates on sweeping generalizations, which is often problematic. I have had more male “best friends” than female, but doesn’t mean that I was spared of spilled secrets, gossip, two-facedness or mood swings. Have you MET teenage boys? Grown men will tell you that they have had their bros do any number of those things. Being a SHITTY friend is NOT unique to one gender or the other, just as being a GOOD friend is not exclusively a one gendered trait. Which leads me to…

4) All of these imply that if your best friend is NOT a man, they will do the opposite of the bulleted points. This is not only harmful to women in general, but assuming that the person who made this ridiculous graphic was a female, it is an insult to the creator herself. If women do all of these horrible things, and you are a woman, then OP’s logic follows that the creator of this graphic is also a horrible friend. In which case, what guy would WANT you as a shitty best friend?

4) What bothers me most about these implications is how it encourages girls to hate one another. “Don’t be friend with girls!” it says. “Don’t trust other girls! Don’t Unite!” because GOD ONLY KNOWS what could happen if women united and supported one another against our globally oppressive culture. Women are pitted against each other both by men and by OURSELVES. The constant comparison makes us bitter and we SABOTAGE OUR OWN friendships because of this jealousy and silent war. It’s the CONSTANT internal criticism of other girls’ bodies and personalities and for what? What good does it do? WE DO NOT IMPROVE OURSELVES BY TEARING OTHER WOMEN DOWN. It makes YOU look bad when you do it and you are only undermining yourself and your interests both in your personal life and on a large scale.

I'm not ashamed of what I like, and you shouldn't be either

I enjoy black and white films and quirky indie flicks and I’m also a fan of Disney. I listen to Biggie Smalls and Weezer and Patsy Cline and Demi Lovato. I like pop with half of the lyrics consisting of the word “Baby” as well as Dylan and Cohen’s poetics. Like what you like and don’t be ashamed. There’s no such thing as bad taste, just different.

I hate hearing women say things that are decidedly anti-feminist, especially if they see themselves and present themselves as someone concerned with social politics. You are just re-inforcing the man that says, “Well my friend is a girl and she said _________” argument to silence woman voices.

"Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? Up on a pedestal or down on your knees, it’s all a male fantasy: that you’re strong enough to take what they dish out, or else too weak to do anything about it. Even pretending you aren’t catering to male fantasies is a male fantasy: pretending you’re unseen, pretending you have a life of your own, that you can wash your feet and comb your hair unconscious of the ever-present watcher peering through the keyhole, peering through the keyhole in your own head, if nowhere else. You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur.”

Margaret Atwood

My Definition of an "Artist"

I think that in terms of individual pieces, no one can tell you that what you’ve created isn’t good enough to be called “art”. I’m of the school of thought that proclaiming something as art makes it so, because from then on, the lens through which it is seen is affected by that statement. Do others have to agree with it? Not necessarily. But just the title has changed the situation entirely.

In my personal opinion, an Artist is a very different matter. You can create or create art and still not be an artist. To me, the title of artist is closer to or religion or philosophy or even some psychiatric condition in which the creation of art (be it visual, literary, performance, etc) is a continued demonstration of this kind of person, this mind. You cannot be an Artist if your life is not ruled by art/your art. Do you see the difference? Someone can create, but if their creations aren’t what consume and perpetuate their very life or what gives it a whole other level of understanding or meaning….I don’t personally see them as an artist. If they have lost that hunger, that lust for beauty and sadness and the complex things in life, they’re not an Artist. Being an Artist is not passive, and at the same time it’s not necessarily something better or worse than anything else. It’s not necessarily something to glorify or something that legitimizes you. It’s just something you ARE in every crevice of your being, something that compels you, and you may not even know it or be able to help it.

I'd like to share a passage that literally changed my life

I bet you’re expecting something deep or prosaic or poetic and while plenty of passages of those sort have had irrevocable effects on me, I can tell you right now this won’t be what you’re expecting. Introducing an excerpt from Tina Fey’s, “Bossypants”

“Amy Poehler was new to SNL and we were all crowded into the seventeenth-floor writers’ room, waiting for the Wednesday read-through to start. There were always a lot of noisy “comedy bits” going on in that room. Amy was in the middle of some such nonsense with Seth Meyers across the table, and she did something vulgar as a joke. I can’t remember what it was exactly, except that it was dirty and loud and “unladylike.”
Jimmy Fallon, who was arguably the star of the show at the time, turned to her and in a faux-squeamish voice said, “Stop that! It’s not cute! I don’t like it.”
Amy dropped what she was doing, went black in the eyes for a second, and wheeled around on him. “I don’t fucking care if you like it.” Jimmy was visibly startled. Amy went right back to enjoying her ridiculous bit. (I should make it clear that Jimmy and Amy are very good friends and there was never any real beef between them. Insert penis joke here.)
With that exchange, a cosmic shift took place. Amy made it clear that she wasn’t there to be cute. She wasn’t there to play wives and girlfriends in the boys’ scenes. She was there to do what she wanted to do and she did not fucking care if you like it.”

As a woman in Comedy, it’s sometimes rough being in a Boy’s Club. However, we’re all there for the same purpose: Improv. So the common love of the craft outweighs the annoyance at being cast as the slut or the ditz or the annoying girlfriend in a scene. That’s hard enough, though. When you take a Funny Girl out of the context and take a look at her everyday life is when things tend to get 100 times worse. To make a blanket statement of my experiences and that of every other comedienne I know, a lot of guys don’t like Funny Girls. We’re accused of being inappropriate or unladylike or dorky (the last one is an accusation I couldn’t care less about, but still). Often, guys (especially those who fancy themselves ‘class clowns’ as well) seem to feel threatened or unnerved. THEY’RE supposed to be the funny ones.

I was on a plane when I read this, and it turned my world on it’s head.

I’m a chick. I’m funny. And I don’t fucking care if you like it.

I’m not here for your entertainment or pleasure unless I’m performing, and when it comes to Improv, even that is more for me than it is for you. I’m going to say and do what I want because I find it amusing. If you don’t like my jokes, if you think I’m too loud or vulgar, that’s your problem.


I don’t fucking care if you like it.

How to Pick Up Women AND Be An Ally

It’s definitely a misconception that being a male feminist means not making a move on a woman. What is important is HOW and WHEN you make that move.

If a woman is averting her gaze, busying herself, turning away (i.e., if her body language is saying, “I’d like to be left alone”) then leering or approaching or commenting on her looks is a purposeful disregard for her feelings and right to be left alone. It’s an invasion and an assertion of your power over her. Likewise, if you are in a dark or isolated area. On the street or in a parking garage is not the place to try and pick up a woman; you are Schrodinger’s Rapist.

HOWEVER

If a woman is looking around, making eye-contact, has an open posture and demeanor, then it’s perfectly fine to introduce yourself. This is NOT a comment on her body or a ‘pick up line’. This is, “Hey, that’s a great book” or “Hi, I’m _____”

What is key here is paying attention to your surroundings, to her body language, and to the manner in which you approach her. Two great articles on picking up women in a non-threatening and actually really effective way can be found here and here. Believe it or not, feminists want to help you pick up women! In fact, we ARE the women that want to be picked up, a lot of the time. But we also want to feel safe and respected.

An Epiphany About "The One" & The Unexpected Peace That Followed

    It's no revolutionary statement to note the distinct differences between an unmarried male and an unmarried female. He's a playboy; this is something he's elected for himself. She, on the other hand, is an old maid that no man wants. Despite the obviously unequal connotations of these tropes (of which an entirely different essay can be written), they each have something in common; Both parties are somehow "deviating from the norm". They are the exception to the overwhelming rule of marriage, the lone wolves in the face of what one is supposed to want; A Great, Romantic, Lifelong Love.
    Not to say that kind of love isn't grand or worth wanting, just that in a day and age where 43 percent of all Americans over the age of 18 are single and 61% of single Americans have never been married, one might reasonably propose that not everybody has or even wants a "One". The very idea that it is necessary for adult happiness to find a perfectly matched life partner is one that was instilled in times where reproduction was the main goal in a life that hardly extended beyond the mid 30's.
    I'm not suggesting that anyone is wrong for hoping to find a One True Love or that it's unrealistic to find it. What I am suggesting is that maybe there isn't "someone for everyone", and more importantly, maybe that isn't a bad thing. The search for someone to be the eternal Ying to your Yang is exhausting and nerve-wracking unless you're lucky enough to find your soulmate before having thoroughly cleared puberty. The superhuman standards we often set in anticipation of our perfect partner often lead to varying levels of disappointment and the feeling that one has 'settled'. I don't want to feel the need to entertain an endless string of dull propositions during dates or settle for someone I don't genuinely care about for the fear that they'll be the best offer I get or that my life will be lacking without a long-term love.
    If the Love of your Life finds you, then go for it. But anxiously prepping for their arrival or chasing the obsession down rocky paths is going to cause you to waste the gift that you have now in actually living for yourself and the people that exist in your life presently. If we let go and stop desperately anticipating, measuring against others and trying to convince ourselves that "someone is out there for us" or that it's necessary to even HAVE a someone to have a fulfilled existence, the only pressure that's left is to satisfy the standards for a happy life that you have created yourself. Who says that the "One that's out there for you" isn't you? That you haven't already found your One? I may die having had a beautiful marriage, or several, or I may leave this world a sassy old bachelorette. But now that I realized how unimportant having a soulmate is, I can concentrate on the earth I inhabit and the beautiful people that exist in the present like family or may float in and out of my life like lovers and friends. Most importantly though, I know that I can always count on being able to cultivate my most important relationship; the one that I have with myself.

You're not an ACTUALLY feminist dude

if you go around saying things like,

“REAL women have curves!”

“I like girls better WITHOUT makeup!”

“Women who wax down there aren’t as sexy!”

“I actually prefer small boobs!”

“Women who get plastic surgery are so fake!”

When you doing this, you are literally just replacing one societal requirement for women to be worthy of desire with another, personalized one. It’s fine to have turn ons and turn offs. We all have them. But don’t announce them like you’re some revolutionary and women are now supposed to have an epiphany. Women aren’t suddenly going, “OH WOW GOOD THING YOU SAID THAT OR ELSE I WOULD HAVE NEVER KNOWN HOW TO BE DESIRABLE.”

The fact that you feel the need to make a judgement on women’s beauty practices is distinctly anti-feminist, because you’re assuming that women need or want your input on how they groom or present themselves. We don’t need your approval. We don’t care about what you think is “cute”. We are going to do what is right for us. If that means waxing, getting a nose job, wearing makeup, then that’s what we’re going to do. If it means none of those things, that is what we are going to do. If you really want to be an ally to feminism, stop telling women that how they want to look is wrong.

What Is A Compliment? A Succinct Definition.

A compliment makes the receiver feel flattered, happy, more secure.

Harassment makes the receiver feel upset, threatened, anxious.

Therefore, it is partially the receiver’s reaction that determines wether something is harassment or a compliment, regardless of the giver’s intent.

That’s why shouting things to women on the street isn’t okay.

The Changeling by Russell Edson

A man had a son who was an anvil. And then sometimes he was an automobile tire.
I do wish you would sit still, said the father.
Sometimes his son was a rock.
I realize that you have quite lost boundary, where no excess seems excessive, nor to where poverty roots hunger to need. But should you allow time to embrace you to its bosom of dust, that velvet sleep, then were you served even beyond your need; and desire in sate was properly spilling from its borders, said the father.
Then his son became the corner of a room.
Don’t don’t, cried the father.
And then his son became a floorboard.
Don’t don’t, the moon falls there and curdles your wits into the grain of the wood, cried the father.
What shall I do? screamed his son.
Sit until time embraces you into the bosom of its velvet quiet, cried the father.
Like this? Cried his son as his son became dust.
Ah, that is more pleasant, and speaks well of him, who having required much in his neglect of proper choice, turns now, on good advice, to a more advantageous social stance, said the father.

But then his son became his father.
Behold, the son is become as one of us, said the father.
His son said, behold, the son is become as one of us.
Will you stop repeating me, screamed the father.
Will you stop repeating me, screamed his son.
Oh well, I suppose imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, sighed the father.
Oh well, I suppose imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, sighed his son.

Let me preface this that I realize I sound naive

But I entirely believe that if everyone genuinely made an effort to show love to one another, so many issues would unravel.

Sorry I haven't kept this up-to-date.

Updating now!

I hate the portrayal of athletic women as overly masculine

Even in a show like Glee, where they show Coach Beiste to identify and act in a feminine way, all of the jokes at her expense have something to do with her being “manly” or “butch”. Why do female athletes have to either overly sexualize themselves or accept the title of “Man-Ish”? Why can’t they just be WOMEN? Or maybe even PEOPLE?